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Greece Lightning
(Scene opens up showing the Danville Museum.) Gina Tognoni: I can't believe you guys dragged me all the way over here for this. (Sighs) Well, at least there's hunky guys in skirts. Ronn Moss: Guys, come and look at this. This is an actual replica of an artist's interpretation of what some random guy of no significance believed that the chariot of Asparagus might have looked like. And this is Asparagus, the greatest warrior in all of Greece. With this golden chariot, he would win every race. And here he is defeating the Minotaur, a creature that's half-man, half-bull. Asparagus defeated him using the head of Medusa, a creature so ugly she could turn people to stone with just one look. Eric Braeden: Kind of reminds me of Gina. Gina Tognoni: It does not look like me! Eric Braeden: I know what we're gonna do today. We're gonna have our own chariot race like... Hey, where's Perry? Joseph Mascolo: (Disguised as Discobolos) Psst. Psst! Agent P, over here. Sorry to disturb you at the museum. We've just been informed that Doofenshmirtz has created a machine to rid the world of platypuses. ...Uh, platypi? Platypeople? Whatever. We've tracked Doofenshmirtz to the old abandoned movie house. So get going, and don't look up my skirt. (In the driveway at the Braeden-Bergman house...) Eric Braeden: Okay, the race will start here at home, through the streets of Danville, and over to the park. From there we make our way past Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus... (Song: Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus) ♪ Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaul Bunyan's, where food is good ♪ Announcer 2: But not too good, eh? Eric Braeden: ...and finish at the steps of the museum. Ronn Moss: Hey, boys, whatcha doin'? Eric Braeden: Just mapping out our route for the big chariot race we're gonna have. Ronn Moss: Oh, excellent. It's good to see you boys taking an interest in Greek mythology. I'm doing the same. I've got over 12 hours of gladiator movies here I wanna watch. Melody Thomas Scott: Nice hat, Mr. Moss. Ronn Moss: Thank you, Melody. It's my movie watching hat. Eric Braeden: '''Melody, we're gonna have the greatest race in history, complete with helmets and armor and super-cool chariots with horses. Spread the word! Spread the word! '''Melody Thomas Scott: Wait! At what time? Eric Braeden: In about an hour or so. Melody Thomas Scott: Where's it gonna be? Eric Braeden: Here! Melody Thomas Scott: Who am I telling again? Eric Braeden: Just spread the word! Oh, and tell them to bring gladiator gear. ♪ Doofenshmirtz Abandoned Theater! ♪ (Jingle of Gitchee Gitchee Goo playing in the background) Michael Sabatino: Comfy, Perry the Platypus? I've prepared something special just for you. You see, until now, every attempt to eradicate you has been foiled. Then I came across a... (Slurping) Excuse me, who are you and what are you doing here? Male teen: I bought a ticket to see this movie. Michael Sabatino: (Groans) Okay, just roll the film. Male narrator: Who is the enemy of the platypuses? Or platypi or platypeople? Or... Well, you know what I mean. The platypus is one of our greatest friends in nature, a humble but key component in Mother Nature's delicate cycle of life. But as of late, worldwide populations have been declining to near endangerment. But why? Who is the enemy of the platypuses or... Well, you know what I mean. Male teen: This is the best platypus movie I have ever seen. (Slurping) Male narrator: '''Historically, the enemies of the platypus were well known: the poisonous swamp viper, the snaggle-tooth badger, and duplicating imitable stunts seen on television. But there is a new enemy of the platypus, one whose tireless development paves over the platypus's woodland homes: The greatest enemy of the platypus...is man. '''Cheerful male voice: Hi, there. Michael Sabatino: Ah, you see, Perry the Platypus? For years I've been trying to rid myself of you with traps and bombs and poisonous gas and automatic tennis ball machines. I--I don't even know what I was thinking back then, but now I have the ultimate platypus elimination weapon. Perry the Platypus, recoil in horror at my new creation! A giant...killer...robot...man. Giant Robot Man: My name is Mark. The enemy of the platypus is man. Michael Sabatino: Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Male teen: '''This is awesome! I did not know this movie was in 3-D. '''Mark Lawson: Please, stop running. Perhaps we could discuss our differences over coffee. (In the backyard...) Eric Braeden: Okay, we're all set! Let's meet our racers. In the first chariot is us. Then we got Melody and the Fireside Girls, Anthony and Darnell, and we have one for Gina, too, if she ever shows up. Here are the maps for everyone. The first chariot to reach the museum wins. Any questions? Darnell Williams: Yes. Should we not establish the rules first? Anthony Geary: This is a chariot race. There are no rules. Melody Thomas Scott: No rules? Well, if those are the rules! Anthony Geary: Hey, you, you're goin' down! Darnell Williams: But we're on the same team. Anthony Geary: Then you're goin' down with me! Eric Braeden: Each chariot will be pulled by a rocking horse Peter souped up with a lawnmower engine! Gina Tognoni: Eric! Just what do you think you're doing? Eric Braeden: Gina, great! You're right on time! Check out this cool-lookin' helmet we made for you! And we built you your own chariot that looks just like you! Gina Tognoni: Oh, that's ridiculous. I do not have wheels! (In the living room...) Actor: To the winner of this race, I offer the spoils of the empire… Gina Tognoni: Dad, they're racing chariots. Ronn Moss: That scene's just starting. Come in and sit down. Eric Braeden: (calling from outside) Come on, Gina! Gina Tognoni: Dad! Ronn Moss: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want some? Gina Tognoni: (Groans in frustration) That's it! I'll stop this myself. (Outside; the back yard...) Christian LeBlanc: 'Are you ready? Get set...go! ''(Engines revving) '''Gina Tognoni: Okay, you two, I've had enough of this-- Ow! Hey! (Engine revving) Aah! Daddy! Ronn Moss: Oh, now where'd she go? She's gonna miss all the action. Gina Tognoni: (Screaming) Eric Braeden: Looks like Gina made it after all. Lookin' good, Gina! Gina Tognoni: (Screams) (Song: My Chariot) ♪ I got a motorized nag takin' me for a drag ♪ ♪ Leave the others far behind ♪ ♪ Baby, I ain't braggin', my anachronistic wagon's ♪ ♪ Two millennia ahead of its time ♪ ♪ Talkin' 'bout my chariot ♪ ♪ No, it's not street legal, but it gets me where I wanna go ♪ Gina Tognoni: (Screams) ♪ Climb aboard my chariot ♪ ♪ When they hear me come a-rumblin', then everybody wants to know ♪ ♪ "Where'd you get that chariot?" ♪ ♪ I don't need no oracle to tell me how good it feels ♪ ♪ To throw a full-tilt coliseum killer toga party on wheels ♪ Gina Tognoni: (Screams) ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ Eric Braeden: Remind me, why did we put spikes on Anthony's chariot? Anthony Geary: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Gina Tognoni: Reckless endangerment, disrupting traffic... EW, they are so busted. Eric Braeden: And a bowling ball catapult? I mean, what were we thinking? Gina Tognoni: (screams) My phone! Eric Braeden: Why'd we give them all the cool stuff? What do we have? Cup holders? Sweet. Now we're cookin'. Darnell Williams: The girls are still gaining! Failure is not an option for me, my husky friend. Anthony Geary: Use your head and think of something, genius! Darnell Williams: Exactly! Use my head! ... That is right! Eat sparks, my opponents! Eric Braeden: Peter, do you smell something burning? Darnell Williams: An unconventional way to use my head, yes, but an effective one! Mark Lawson: We should do this more often! Melody Thomas Scott: Okay, girls, star formation! ♪ ...Yeah ♪ Gina Tognoni: (Screams) Melody Thomas Scott: Sorry. No rules. Darnell Williams: Now what? Anthony Geary: Have to use your head again. Darnell Williams: (Screams) Gina Tognoni: (Screams) Anthony Geary: Hey, get back on your own chariot! ♪ Yeah, talking 'bout my chariot ♪ ♪ Got all my horse power ♪ ♪ In two big wheels of fun ♪ ♪ Climb aboard my chariot ♪ ♪ You can be my second ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm gladiator number one ♪ ♪ Get a load of my chariot ♪ ♪ Always going full-throttle ♪ ♪ Ask anybody and they'll say ♪ ♪ If you see me coming ♪ ♪ Then you better get out of my way! ♪ Eric Braeden: We should be coming up on Paul Bunyan’s! (Song: Paul Bunyan's Pancake Haus) ♪ Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaul Bunyan's, where food is good ♪ Announcer 2: But not too good, eh? Eric Braeden: Oh, there it is! Mark Lawson: Are those slacks new? They make you look slimmer. Honey, have you seen my keys? Gina Tognoni: (Screams) ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Eric Braeden: 'Look, it's Perry. I gotcha! ''(Pets Perry) Where you been? (Crash) What is that? It's half-man, half-bull. It's the Minotaur! '''Mark Lawson: My name is Mark! Eric Braeden: It's Mark the Minotaur! Hit it, Peter! Mark Lawson: Wait! Come back! You can borrow my rake. Gina Tognoni: (Screaming) Eric Braeden: Gina has the lead! Go Gina! Gina Tognoni: Somebody help me! Eric Braeden: See? I knew she'd love it. Mark Lawson: Let's invite our wives next time. (At the Danville Museum...) (Grunting) Christian LeBlanc: Gina wins! Gina Tognoni: (Screams) (Crash!) Eric Braeden: That was the coolest rocking-horse, mower-pulled chariot Minotaur chase ever! Gina Tognoni: Oh... Ohh, uhh... Gross. Kids: Er-ic and Peter! Er-ic and Peter! (Chant continues) Gina Tognoni: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! You can't tear up the town with your chariots and expect to get away with it! When Mom and Dad find out about this... Eric Braeden: Gina... Mark Lawson: The enemy of the platypus is man. Gina Tognoni: Listen, pal, you stay out of this! Kid #1: She turned him to stone! Gina Tognoni: I did what? Kid #2: Don't look at me! Gina Tognoni: Wait! Kid #3: It's Medusa! Gina Tognoni: D'oh, that's it! I'm outta here! Eric Braeden: Wait, Gina! Michael Sabatino: Mark! Oh, no, Mark! What did he do to you? Did the bad little platypus switch you off? I'll fix that. Mark Lawson: My name is Mark. Michael Sabatino: See? All you needed was a reboot. …Wait! What is this? What happened to all the lights? Wait, it's coming loose. I think I can get it off. Mark Lawson: The enemy of the platypus is man. Michael Sabatino: Ooh. Oh, well, now it's stuck. (screams) Somebody help me! Mark Lawson: Secretly, I'm very lonely. Gina Tognoni: Just wait until Mom finds out about this. Eric Braeden: Gina, looks like we owe you a big thanks for defeating the Minotaur. Who knew you had the power to turn men to stone? Gina Tognoni: That is so not true. Who ever heard of something as silly as turning someone to stone...? No, no, it can't be. (Screams) I did it again. Don't look at me! (Screams) I'm a monster! (Screams) Make it stop! (Screams) Eric Braeden: It's okay, Peter. She's gone. You can look now. Peter Bergman: No. Not taking any chances. (Perry chatters) Eric Braeden: Hey, look, there's Perry. Peter Bergman: Still not looking. Category:Pages by BlondaZappyWanda Category:Transcripts Category:Fanon Episodes Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes